Day whatever/lifetime

Time for a ‘grief’ update. Ahead of the usual Thursday morning countdown that I tend to save for twitter. A sort of minute by minute remembering of the catastrophic events that unfolded on that sunny July morning. Today I’m planning to try and trick the misery by going to work early. Instead of lying in bed tweeting my rage about what happened while sobbing at the inevitable sound of passing sirens, and signing off with a ‘stay classy NHS’ you bastards.

So, life is pretty much awful now. Transformed and coated with darkness. With OK bits. And then lovely bits that involve the kids, family, friends, colleagues and people we don’t know.

I’m back at work, firing on a cylinder or two. (Not sure what the minimum number necessary for action is, but there is some action). And I’m crying a lot. Rich is the negotiator/mediator of my tears. He hunts patiently for my missing x, y or z. Things I always lost in the past (and yes I know it was always hugely irritating), but things I find harder to lose now. He listens when I say over and over and over and over again that I can’t believe LB drowned in the bath. Drowned in the bath? That I will never see him, be with him, chat with him again.

That I miss him beyond words.

And then there are droplets of magic, of fairy dust, that make me think that change is possible. A collective outrage to what’s happened. A resistance to accepting the unacceptable. This manifests in various ways. The police were exceptional in their sensitivity and handling of the investigation. They seemed to genuinely care which was remarkable after months of no care and disregard. The Families and Disability module at Sheffield Hallam University is dedicated to LB, and this blog is being used as a resource on various health and social work courses. I’m pleased about this, as a firm believer in the importance of personal experiences feeding into policy and practice.

ryan5-546Anna Myers is running the Oxford Half Marathon on Sunday in LB’s memory, raising money for KEEN (a fab venture by Oxford Brookes and Oxford University students providing activities for young disabled people and kids). Beth Hill helped Anna run a cake sale at Brookes recently that raised over £200.

The Oxford Bus Museum have agreed to open especially for LB’s birthday, laying on a celebration bus ride. What a gesture. And yesterday I contacted a highly recommended online printing company to discuss getting some medium prints of LB’s Trax painting for fundraising. (We’re planning to set up a ‘fighting fund’ to raise money towards the cost of legal representation at the inquest)*. The sales manager said they would print 100 for free.

More tears. But ‘good’ tears. Which are kind of different.

*I know I keep saying this, but baby steps and all that.

6 thoughts on “Day whatever/lifetime

  1. I have the tears this morning ! It’s such a heartache beyond words I can’t even imagine your daily pain but I smiled to read good tears were starting to flow (so important) The Module at Sheffield Hallam University ,Oxford Bus Museum Keen ,the printing company -with all the crap stuff in the world its so heart warming to see that so much good can come from something so terrible. L.B.legacy is absolutely living on through all these things.
    Thinking of you and your family loads
    The Greaney Family

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