A new year. At last. Although my lovely mate Gail, whose husband died suddenly a few weeks before LB, captured the whole new year conundrum brilliantly yesterday. I knew I’d be in pieces as 2013 drew to a close. Relieved to be shifting on to a new (and hopefully less harrowing) one but also beyond devastated to start the new year without LB. With the kids warned and low key (no) plans in place, I wallowed in home movies and old photos yesterday afternoon. Sorting through disc after disc of LB’s school photos. By 10pm I was in bed, listening to music, Sooty tears in full flow. I missed the midnight celebrations. Instead I wept. And wept. And wept a shedload more.
This morning I woke feeling strangely calm. Kind of peaceful. A bit odd but good. Maybe because I’d been able to park all the shite around what had happened – the rage, the intense disbelief and incomprehension, the horrible, horrible details/actions – and just think about LB.
Maybe because 2013 was finally over.
I know this reprieve from the pain, the loss and the process that accompanies something like this, will be short-lived. The (internally commissioned) external NHS investigation will be finished in the next couple of weeks. Another battering before inquest plans are made. But for now here’s to a patch of peace. And a new year. Hopefully a better one.
And here’s a blast of LB’s later school experience. Love him.