The five days between the General Medical Council tribunal weekend hearings have gone past quickly really. Filled with thoughts about a family operation (Tuesday/successful), new baby (due last Friday/born at 3am this morning… welcome to the world, Rory Joshua, you cheeky little cutesy), unexpected office move deliberations, the My Life My Choice AGM where the Queen’s Award was celebrated, and more.

Two book launches

Several people at work told me they’d been reading my book. Blimey. My book. I’d almost forgotten about it among the latest GMC hearing knocks, despite two extraordinary book launches last week. The Book Launch Extravaganza organised by Katherine Runswick Cole at Manchester Met on Oct 31. Six brilliant books, including ‘Don’t Cramp My Style’ by Simon Cramp and Kirsty Liddiard’s The Intimate Lives of Disabled People, a brilliant set of talks, discussion and nosh after.

On Nov 2, Helena Kennedy hosted and chaired a launch at Doughty Street Chambers with an all women panel; Caoilfhionn Gallagher, Deb Coles (INQUEST CEO), Helena and me.

It was another wondrous evening not least because of the open, welcoming and relaxed approach by the Doughty Street team who treated it as the celebration it was (a point I’d kind of forgotten en route on the Oxford Tube), and the sense spoken. The audience included family, friends, #JusticeforLB campaigners, journalists, human rights, mental health experts and some twitter legends. Michael Edwards, Dawn Wiltshire, Pam Bebbington and Paul Scarrott attended from My Life My Choice. The highlight of the evening was when Michael E encouraged Deb when she stumbled over the word ‘incredulous’ and then commented “I don’t use long words myself”.

A dream

I dreamed about LB this morning. Only the second time since he died. In the first dream, from what I can remember, I knew he was dead. It was more of an interactional/touching base/trying to prevent me from descending into madness type thing. He was wearing an unlikely bright red jumper.

This time we passed each other in a white corridor which kind of felt like home. I asked him how he was was. In his own style he said not brilliant. He wished he had a job. We sat down on a couple of chairs. Sitting close, leaning in together. Like we used to. I held his hand. There was that quiet intensity and comfort I’d forgotten about.

It took me a few minutes to remember he wasn’t alive when I woke up.

The GMC tribunal

The GMC tribunal continued today with the panel deliberating in private. They will be returning a decision on whether the charges against Valerie Murphy (LB’s responsible clinician) equal misconduct and, if yes, whether this misconduct amounts to a current impairment in her fitness to practice after 2pm tomorrow. Depending on the decision, two further dates may be arranged to decide on a sanction.

I hope she finds it in herself to turn up tomorrow. She was absent last weekend for undisclosed health reasons. I hope I’d turn up to face the music in such circumstances. As much for the family as for my own sense of self worth and integrity. Even if I felt utter shite. As I do.