A letter to the woman in the restaurant

Dear woman in the restaurant,

We were the people you spent your meal staring at. Or was it glaring? I’m not sure. It was fixed and unwavering which ever it was. And it made the situation so much worse. I’m not going to apologise for LB’s behaviour. He was stressed from the start (getting stuck in the revolving doors on the way in probably didn’t help), but for the most part he managed to keep a lid on it. He muttered to himself a lot, and tensed his body regularly, but only a couple of times did he actually do anything that could have disturbed your meal. Two, possibly three, very brief shout-outs about his fear of Irish lorries being stolen.

As you were staring so hard, you may have noticed that the three of us, Rich, Tom and I, were all working hard to try to keep him calm. There was a lot of talk of the security arrangements at Irish lorry companies and attempts to distract him with a running commentary of the Oxford buses driving past the restaurant. A lot of remedial work, as Erving Goffman, would call it. To be honest, this work was largely try to stop LB experiencing such stress rather than concern about other diners.

I’ve sat in plenty of places and had to listen to other people’s conversations because they talked so loud, I’ve listened to people shouting on mobile phones, sat near parties of people being drunkenly cheerful and excessively noisy. These people don’t get stared at. These behaviours are tolerated.

I’m not sure what you were hoping to achieve with your staring. To let us know some social rules were being broken? To let us know that young people like LB are not welcome in public places? Or to demonstrate that your meal was ruined? The latter would be peculiar. You were sitting far enough away not to look at him, and, as I said, other than the quick shouts, he was pretty quiet.

It was my birthday lunch. I wanted LB to be there (obviously), and don’t think it is (or should be) a big ask for you to just get on with your meal and ignore the odd disruption. Anyway, we got the bill before we’d finished our main course. And left. Staring, or glaring, like that, can sometimes make a difficult situation unmanageable.

Maybe next time, you could just take a few seconds to try to imagine what it must be like to  experience that distress, or have to try to manage it. It ain’t rocket science, it’s that thing known as empathy.

Yours,

Sara

6 thoughts on “A letter to the woman in the restaurant

  1. Wow, it reminded me of the time my wife was in a wheelchair (post-op) and someone came up to me in a shop (Woolworths) to ask me to move her. It was a self propelled chair, the type with the big wheels at the back, and she had wheeed herself down the aisle to look at something.

    And they asked ME to move her, not say “Excuse me” first!

  2. I’ve just started reading your blog, and I can’t tell you how amazing it is. But this story brought a tear to my eye. I remember taking your wonderful gang to the cinema, on a stiflingly hot day, (must have been a long long time ago!) and LB getting upset towards the end of the film. I was so shocked at the reaction of the other film goers, one of which berated me for not being in control of a child, and causing great distress to others. I only had to experience this once, but is saddens me so much that this attitude is still prevalent. I have the fondest, dearest memories of Tuesday evenings with your crew, and I think your writing is a window to others.

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