Today

LB’s funeral is today.

Yep.

LB’s funeral is today.

In the last ten days, I’ve said new things like “The coffin looks great, thank you” (which it does) and “Yes, let’s do the ‘scattering’ after the committal, during the song”. We’ve agreed ‘order of service’, no limousines, an outside, rather than chapel, service. I’ve remembered how to spell cemetery (after googling it). We’ve sat with LB in the ‘chapel of rest’, handed over things we’d like to be buried with him (bus timetables, his first aid book, die cast bus/truck models, a photo of (just you and …) me, the Sweaty Betty catalogue, his bling), checked out his woodland ‘plot’, and wept.

Friends and family have taken over necessary tasks in almost invisible ways, doing their absolute best to reduce the hideousness of what’s happened.  The collective feeling, commitment and action is remarkable. Makes me think that change is possible.

We’re grubbing around trying to find new ways of being a family, trying to incorporate the devastation into what we had. I’m not sure how this will work, or what we should be doing really. We all just miss him too much. Too fucking much.

I don’t want to go today. I want to hang out with LB and chat about where Steve Wright was born, about Irish lorries and County Mayo. I want to help him draw up his plans for his depot and have a chuckle about what the girl he took a shine to on the speed ferry a few years ago might be doing now. I want to answer every one of his questions until he’s finished asking them without getting exasperated. I want to give him the biggest hug ever and not let go, but I know he hates that. High five and bit of a bounce. Coffee cake and ginger beer.

It’s going to be a very long day.

 

12 thoughts on “Today

  1. The life that I have
    Is all that I have
    And the life that I have
    Is yours.
    The love that I have
    Of the life that I have
    Is yours and yours and yours.
    A sleep I shall have
    A rest I shall have
    Yet death will be but a pause.
    For the peace of my years
    In the long green grass
    Will be yours and yours and yours.

    (thinking of you and yours love and solidarity)

  2. May your beautiful “Laughing Boy” Rest In Peace and be eternally happy in heaven He will be in your hearts forever.
    Peace and love on this, the hardest of days

  3. Lots of hugs today! Allow yourself the time to grieve and to remember. LB’s life is a life to be celebrated. A much-loved young man whose life has meant so much to those of us who have met him, whether in real life or through the words of your blog.
    His death cannot be allowed to be in vain – but today is a day for family and friends and sharing and loving.

  4. We are with you in our thoughts. Maybe LB is sending you greetings from somewhere peaceful with those warm and gentle rays of sunshine.

  5. I will never look at a bus ticket the same way again. Next time I take one from the machine I will remember today and think of you all. Love L

  6. I have only just found this blog. My 16 year old son died of epilepsy a year ago. He had severe learning disabilities and he was a crazy, complex, magical boy who took our lives off in a completely different direction. He still does. I am desperately sorry. Please do contact me if you would like to, any time, Jools x

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