I started writing this (in italics below) on Thursday evening. To try and create a measure (I know. Sorry. I am so anti-measuring anything but I couldn’t stand this drifting, shifting, murky, sometimes tedious, sometimes stifling, seemingly pointless (in productive terms), miserable grief existence that was blanketing me). I gathered spontaneously offered timelines from people who had gone through unexpected death (either recently or decades ago) trying to get some idea of how long these feelings would continue, develop and change.
Seven weeks today. Here’s where I’m at with ‘grief’:
- I cry less.
- The feeling that my brain is constrained in a sieve-like, fogging vice device remains.
- I’m dog tired all the time.
- I can almost cheerfully spend chunks of time with family and friends.
- After any time of ‘cheer’, I have crushing feelings of deep sadness (of varying length) that are hard to deal with.
- I get moments of breathtaking almost panic attack type induced despair sparked by anything and seemingly nothing.
- I no longer feel the urge to tell everyone I pass on the street what’s happened.
- I dread seeing people who may not know. Like LB’s old nursery school teacher outside the bank today. Does she know or doesn’t she? Dread if she does, dread if she doesn’t.
- I constantly re-live what happened and rage at how and why?
- I miss LB. So much it hurts.
This reflection was derailed with the latest email from our solicitor. My ‘current’ grief state’ crushed.
The extremes to which we are being pushed are remarkable. Given everything that’s happened. And what is going to happen in the months (years?) ahead. How this unimaginable happening is going to be explained, accounted for. It’s more than enough to catapult any parent (sibling, family, friend) into an unspeakably dark space.
I get messages from people I know and don’t know, about being strong. About being able to articulate this atrocious experience objectively. About the importance of doing so for dudes like LB. Yep. On it. I/we agree. Completely.
But the dark space is becoming darker the more we find out. It’s a toughie.
So. After the latest ‘news’, I’m going to put it out there and say that I hope there are people in the health and social care world with influence/power (humanity and decency) who are prepared to say “Enough is enough”. People who wont breeze over/ignore or sideline the mountain of evidence highlighting the premature deaths of learning disabled people. It has got to stop. Things have got to change.
Oh, sorry. Silly me. I got carried away there for a minute. I’d almost fallen back into the world of sunshine, support and fluffy dogs. Written pretty much a year to the day LB died.
Current grief state? Complete and absolute despair.
Sara I dont like writing as I always say the wrong things, but this is so vile , I wish I could help. Despair is all I feel. I am thinking about times ive dropped son at schools, respite, different services, and coming away with a sense of dread. Not liking the staff. Cold. Knowing deep down this isn’t right but listening to everyone else, crossing my fingers. This isnt a way to live. I feel sick for you. Please stay strong, we are right behind you, x
You can’t say the wrong thing, silly. Thank you..xx
I am with you. I fight the urge to shout at passers by ‘why aren’t you dead?’. It’s no time at all is it and time , to me after 8 months, is all over the place. I get tired out by the performance. Swearing helps me and so does red wine but only a tiny bit. I just want our old life back and to see john’s smile. Thinking about you. Love nicki
Sent from my BlackBerry smartphone from Virgin Media
Thanks Nicki. I know exactly what you mean. I sent you a message on twitter btw.xx
My heart goes out to you….as a grieving mother and a caring human being! I remember feeling I was living in a goldfish bowl and everyone else seemed to just be carrying on “Normally” But life is happening to them too and I dont always see it! Time is a great healer they say….well they lied! After 8 years, the grief changes but we will never “get over it”….just learn to “go around it” I hold on to fact my lovely son Rich loved and was loved for his entire life. Love never dies and nobody can take that away! My thoughts are with you Dee xxxx
This is exactly what I was told yesterday by a lovely person. I will try and keep thinking this. xx