An aw-battle

Into the last week now. Approaching ‘the anniversary’. I don’t want to mark this date. It makes me feel sick. But it’s unavoidable.

The tap tears are back. Slightly delayed/derailed by the continued magic of #107days. A strange standoff between the awfulness of what happened and the awesomeness of what is happening. An aw-battle.

That’s good really. Less than a week to go. And no collapse. I steel myself over and over to think about the good stuff, the years of happy and hilarious memories. Yeah. That’s comforting. A shedload of awesomeness.

Then I come back to the enormity of life without LB. Of the canyon size space he left. That there will be no new memories. That the stories and memories have stopped. He packed em in. Giving us the richest bank imaginable. But they gotta last and spread across however many years. Maybe losing colour and texture along the way. [Howl].

And every ‘special’ day – birthdays, weddings, Christmas, Easter, even holidays – has become a day of sadness. Or more sadness. Sort of anti-special days.  Days I’d rather avoid. How crap is that?

I don’t know.

What do you do a year to the day your beautiful, funny and off the scale of quirky dude drowned in the bath in hospital?

6 thoughts on “An aw-battle

  1. Been thinking about you such a lot this last week as the anniversary approaches. Will be keeping you and your family very fully in mind and send you so much love. The awesomeness of #107 days won’t just melt away, we will all stay close to you in spirit and continue to call for justice x

  2. ‘What do you do a year to the day your beautiful, funny and off the scale quirky dude’ died. I had to find the answer to that last July 9th, my dude being Sean. It was really difficult (understatement) and the build up is harder than the day itself. I gathered a lot of information about how to get through it from other bereaved parents via TCF. This is what we did: We chucked some of his ashes in the sea and swam in them, we sat on his unofficial bench in the park and chucked more ashes around. We threw messages in bottles for him in the sea, (my son wrote ‘I like cheese’ as this was one of Sean’s many catchphrases). We went to the cinema as a family, to have closeness without the need to speak, (I stole that idea from another parent). Then friends came round and we danced until the early hours. None of it planned apart from the cinema, as we were too paralysed with dread to plan much. This year, we want to take the focus away from the anniversary as this huge deal and try to remember that it’s just another day without him.. I am hoping it will take some of the pressure off.

    I will be thinking of you and LB and I hope you find something that gets you through the day, something that is right for your family and your beloved boy xxx

  3. I really cannot begin to imagine how you prepare for this anniversary. I can only compare to the first anniversary of the death of a good friend of mine. It was excruciatingly painful but we spent time with her baby boys and husband, remembering the good times. I shall think of you and send loving prayers.

  4. Dearest Sarah, I read this about 6 stupid o clock this morning and been moved ever since , pondering all day what could I say to help you when you are so busy fighting for benefit of all our Dudes, and there but for Grace of God go I an my son.
    But I so sorry I no words to ease your grief, I read all these other beautiful replies and echo them. I can only thank you again and add today’s lesson from you has been to love even more and appreciate even more what I do have, and for you I can only offer that you touched peoples lives you don’t know, never meet, and they like I will be carrying you and your family in their hearts and minds over the future days .X

  5. I wish I had words of wisdom that could help ease your pain, but sadly I do not. I don’t suppose its a day you can easily plan for, you will just have to get through it the best you can and go with your feelings on the day. What I do know is that you have an army of supporters, who you have never met that will be thinking about you and sending their love. x

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