Weepage, seepage and who cares?

Dunno why, maybe the anniversary of LB’s inquest, but I’ve been having a weep fest over the past few days. I think about LB all the time. He’s never more than seconds, occasionally minutes and very rarely an hour or so, from my waking mind. I’d got to a state (hate to stage this grief stuff) where I could think about him in different ways. With the occasional, typically left field, gut punching moment. Sparked by a word, a smell, a thought, sound or memory. Moments of near meltdown (I know, the irony), fright, (at the) sheer horror, brutality and worse.

This week I’m back to just crying. Or weeping. Or something else. I don’t know what to call this thing. Maybe weepage. A sheet of tears. There’s no movement. No sort of sobbing and dabbing with a tissue action. No drama. Just moving wetness.

I cried last night re-reading my older sister’s handwritten letter to each Sloven board member. In 2014. Two years ago. Can you imagine?

I cried looking through another pile of photos that have shifted to the surface of home clutter this morning.

I cried sitting at the back of the Oxford to Heathrow coach this afternoon. For pretty much the whole journey. Watching a stream of heavy haulage lorries and coaches. After receiving an update from the General Medical Council. The supplementary expert report is now with Dr M (again). She has two weeks to respond before it goes back to the Case Examiners. Another never ending story.

The Nursing and Midwifery Council investigations? Who knows. Tumbleweed.

We were told, months back, during a meeting with Norman Lamb and the Health and Safety Executive, that some report was with some panel and we would hear something in October. No doubt we will have to chase up any (non) news ourselves.

I think my new tear configuration has (re) emerged because of the utterly shameful banality  of the public sector response to what has happened. A year ago an inquest jury determined that LB died from neglect. He should not have died. He was effectively killed. And nothing has happened. And a recognition that this sustained cruelty can’t continue indefinitely. We (a collective #JusticeforLB we) could not have done more to counter the darkness of the #NHS and social care at its worse, with light. And brilliance. And there is still no accountability.

I wonder where, in the structure of the NHS, effective support and attention exists for brutalised families. Who should know the answer to this. And why the fuck I’m having to ask.




11 thoughts on “Weepage, seepage and who cares?

    • All those accountable – non – accountable powerful people – who ..would fight forever to protect – their own beloved fathers – mothers – sons – daughters – siblings and dodgy friends – even ?…….all denying – all colluding in blind deafness to their shared responsibility for the agony of life long loss they so carelessly gift to others. Sans shame – sans conscience –
      Accountability conscience and humanity traded for chummy base ….greedy power.

      Shame is all your name. Shame on you………all.

  1. The brutality that the NHS routinely resorts to once it has damaged or killed someone has to be experienced to be believed. In the last 24 hours I’ve been contacted by two other people who have been pretty much destroyed by the north Wales mental health services. One of these people mentioned that a chance encounter with someone else walking her dog on a beach led to an extended conversation with a complete stranger who was unable to stop crying when talking about what the mental health services had done to her husband. Since I last commented on your blog a few days ago the body of yet another mental health patient has been found in north Wales -another life and a family destroyed. No public figure – even those who regularly weigh into every other healthcare debate in north Wales – has uttered a word about the continued carnage. And as ever the mental health charities remain silent. And what’s the betting that when the full story behind the latest death comes to light it will involve a catalogue of failures but no-one will be held to account?

  2. could this be a moment of stillness ?, even if they don’t care those with responsibility will be held to account. The investigations , yours and other independent ones are all still taking place. Is the HSE report due soon ? Unbearably cruel that you are left to weep,work,write and walk but perhaps that is all that you can do , just for now not forever. There will be further fireworks from reports in the future I am sure and accountability for harm done and wholly preventable deaths eventually.

  3. As the mum of a 23 year old son with autism, I feel such cold fear at the thought of having to send him into any kind of residential care and your terrible loss and many others just illustrate why. However hard the struggle at home, the fear of asking for help and having the decisions taken out of your hands is worse. Your strength to fight on in the face of such disdainful opposition is so admirable and obviously takes its toll. Please take care of yourself.

    • Just heard the news! Its outrageous that she’s leaving with a fat pay-off but well done for the campaigning Sara, she has gone and it would not have happened without your determination. Wonder where she’ll try and pop up next though?

      • Reason for half of huge payoff – is that tests showed …no proof of individual incompetence – ?

        Other half….how many people who leave under such a massive shadow get a £125.000 ta ta ? Far less the tax payer funded tip of same………

        .Oh……and proof of nil accountability ….for it all …..was proved by ?

    • Several more to go, Non-effective Directors Berryman and Spires; Medical Director, Dr ‘Slippery’ Stevens, Dr Chris Gordon and (often overlooked) Lead Governor, Andrew Jackman.

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