Approaching LB’s birth day

It’s LB’s 20th birthday on Monday. Howl. Howl. Howl. Howl. I love it that the kids have all been thinking and planning around it. Howl.  I’m unable to do much more than appreciate their thinking and planning. That they are thinking and planning. I don’t say much (sorry kids) and scuffle off into a different space at home. Or work.

Thinking of LB’s birthday when I’m out, as I do at the mo, is a Sooty tears situ. I’m pitched straight back to those early baking July days, and earlier. I walk through town or sit on the bus with tears running down my face.

Funnily enough, for all the rules of social interaction I’ve been fascinated with since becoming a sociology student years ago, I’ve learned you can actually have a good old public weep quite privately. Maybe it’s because of the digital focus. We can all be online now and blank out (deliberately or obliviously) the ‘messiness’ of what might be happening next to/around us.

The birth day space is one of such intense pain that I can barely breathe, function or do anything with. How can you have a child and not celebrate their birthday? How does/will this work over coming years. When LB stays 18 and we all grow older. Without him. Howl. What do you do with such an intense longing/missing for a person who is such an integral part of you?

At the moment my mind calendar is pretty much reduced to two dates; death day and birth day. All other ‘celebratory’ dates (birthdays, Christmas, Easter, etc) are irrelevant. I know I have to move beyond this focus (even though I don’t want to). I know our (pretty legendary) kids have and deserve their own space to do and be and shine and be loved for who they are. Nothing should take away from this. But it’s hard. It’s so bloody hard not to be caught up in and devoured by the intense pain of missing and aching for the cub who was picked off, carelessly and callously, by a publicly funded body. A body that exists to ‘care’.

old pics (1)

How the fuck in fucking hellsters is LB not alive?

9 thoughts on “Approaching LB’s birth day

  1. Loving that LB’s siblings are planning for his birthday – guess you will grieve/ /celebrate/ appreciate that (one or all of those). I can’t imagine the sorrow of losing your grown LB as you did so unnecessarily. My lost twin baby (who was always lost) died at 4 days and 30+ years later I can celebrate his grown twin’s birthday in the usual way then have a quiet day 4 days later to remember what might have been. So I have a glimpse of your pain but nothing like the full reality.
    I wish you well in your struggle to make change – it probably won’t be what you wished / complete but it will make a difference. And you will make a difference for many others. You are doing good work Sara.

  2. My heart weeps for you reading this post, the sad answer is, you will never get over it, you learn to live with the pain because thats all you can do.

  3. Thinking of you, I wasn’t prepared on the milestone birthday for the acute reliving due dates/birth and homecoming. I decided that what I wanted to do was have my husband burn our youngest daughters pram. It was three decades old but in pristine condition, I kept thinking I should donate this as I had so many things but I wanted to destroy it. All £106 of vintage silver cross grovenor. The birthday that should have been filled me with fury. I didn’t want to celebrate the years that we had been given I want/wanted my daughter.

  4. I remember listening to a conversation at work many years ago, after a colleague had returned from bereavement leave, following the death of her very young daughter. She asked, “When am I supposed to put her clothes away” and a much wiser colleague answered, “you don’t have to, there is no time”. My thoughts are with you.

  5. So familiar. Every word and every sentence are words and sentences I could have written. We have tried different things. There is no perfect and we’ve actually ended up in family friction because we don’t agree with what each wants to do. So my only advice is to let each member of the family do what feels right for them, without judgement which is hard. My golden boy is 23 for ever and ever and ever. “Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn”. We will remember them.

  6. What to say? We’re coming up to Sam’s ‘death’ anniversary-the 3rd. Like you, it’s birthdays and deathdays. (As an August child, his death day is within days of his conceptionday too..)
    Like you, these two significant days are way ahead of any other dates in our lives. Outwardly, it’s not obvious or spoken of much. We are starting to change his room (really just getting rid of bath, sp bed, changing deck,etc) now and it feels ok. That took a long time. His room is downstairs next to the kitchen (would usually be diningroom.) I am so looking forward to having an armchair in there to sit feeling him around me.
    I rarely comment but you are in my thoughts every day. Ang xxx

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