Hey, how about we just stop with the pretence?

We’re a reasonable bunch in the Justice shed. [Yes, really]. And we pride ourselves on remaining reflective about and engaged with the constant shite we’ve experienced over the past 2.5 years. We’ve absorbed the slurs, the smears, the deceit, the obstructions, the bullying and the wilful refusal by anyone involved to take responsibility for (or even care about) LB’s death and the hundreds of other deaths that happened under Sloven’s watch.

The extent of Sloven failings get worse on a weekly basis. We’ve now seen first hand the utter incompetence of the CEO and Board. A spectacle that continues to make me feel queasy when I think about it. We know that NHS England, the CQC, Monitor, the Department of Health, Oxfordshire County Council and Clinical Commissioning Group lack the guts (individually and as organisations) or interest to do anything substantive. There is no Monitor Improvement Director. We know Mencrap is about as far removed being the ‘voice of learning disability’ as is humanly possible.

We can remember the numerous organisations that rushed to sign up to the… er… [scratches head] Winterbourne Con… Winterbourne Con? Con something. And can only guess at the money the Dept of Health flushed away on this ill thought out and useless endeavour. Followed by other incarnations. And croissants. A resounding fail. Leaving countless people suffering. And dying.

The ‘official’ response to publication of the Mazars review revealed everything we need to know. Certain people simply don’t count. Deaths schmeaths. Transforming care plans in tatters and more news emerging this week of re-institutionalisation by the back door.

So. To stop all this tedious and repetitive talk, wasted resources, increasing breakfast waistlines and empty dialogue with grassroot movements, here’s the first draft of an agreement for Trusts, CCGs, local authorities and the various regulatory organisations, Dept of Health to sign. [Lifted from a cleaning contract template..]

 

This agreement is made between _________________, [NHS Trust, CCG, local authority, Monitor, CQC, NHS England, Department of health… (hereafter known collectively as the Public Sector) and __________ (hereafter known as the public).

The Public Sector agrees to the following:

1. An acceptance that learning disabled people will die early and their deaths do not warrant investigation unless the circumstances are extraordinary. [There are currently no examples of extraordinary. Please contact the Public Sector for updates on Never Ever Ever Events.]

2. An acceptance that learning disabled people shall continue to be ‘placed’ in ‘living arrangements’ typically at the whim of local authorities/commissioning groups.

3.  An acceptance and agreement that these living arrangements should be dictated by budget and efficiency. [The bigger the better the guiding principle here.]

4.The Public Sector shall herewith stop pretending to support and ‘care’ about learning disabled adults.

5. Services to be performed by the Public Sector are to be lowest quality at lowest cost possible. These will typically not include any of the following: going out, encouraging community participation, fun, ambition, delight, encouraging and supporting employment, relationships or a proper home, engagement with families, effective healthcare or investigation in the instance of premature death.

The Public agrees to the following:

6. Sucking up their unrealistic expectations and stop banging on about inadequate, unsafe and poorly funded non care.

7. Either party may terminate this agreement with written notice to the other party.

In witness to their agreement to these terms, the Public Sector and Public affix their signatures below:

_____________________________________

Public Sector signature, date

_________________________________

Public Signature, date

 

Any additions or amendments to the above welcome. Would be good to get this sorted in time for our meeting with Jeremy Hunt on 3 Feb. He could be the first signatory.

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Chairs, ships and learning journeys

I keep meaning to write something about the money Sloven spent on legal representation to defend their reputation during LB’s inquest. My Life My Choice received this information from the Sloven Board Chair earlier this week. £300,000 apparently. £300,000. And we are to blame. Yep.

But as always a new bit of Sloven crap is always around the corner. Tonight this included a reply to my painstakingly written letter (emphasis on the pain) to the Council of Governors (which is chaired by the Board Chair) from the Board Chair. [I know]. Here it is, with my thoughts in bold.

Dear Dr Ryan and Mr Huggins

Thank you for providing me with a copy of your letter to the Council of Governors of Southern Health NHS Foundation Trust. Firstly can I take this opportunity on behalf of the Board, Council of Governors and the Trust as a whole to unreservedly apologise for the actions that caused the death of your son, Connor, and the hurt that you have been put through since that time.

It’s worth returning to Ally Roger’s superb undergrad dissertation here. Ally talks about passive sentences which are constructed to show no one is responsible. She says such manipulations of participant responsibility may or may not be deliberate. ‘The actions’ and ‘the hurt that you have been put through’ used here suggest that the Board Chair ain’t really taking ownership of the flourishing apology he offers. 

Connor’s death was preventable and this is accepted by the Trust and we are truly sorry that he died.

I’m dunno why we keep hearing this ‘accepted by the Trust’ line. A more heartfelt ‘We know LB’s death was preventable and happened because we failed to look after him properly. We take full responsibility for his death’ is more appropriate. Where does ‘accept’ come from? It’s so grudging, particularly when it was bleedingly obvious from the second it happened that LB should never have died [Howl]. Such peculiar and upsetting phrasing. I don’t doubt the truly sorry bit here which is owned of course. They must rue the day really given everything that’s unfolded.

In your letter you refer to the Mazars ‘review of deaths of people with a Learning Disability or Mental Health problem in contact with Southern Health NHS Foundation Trust’ recently published.

So the only point picked up by the Board Chair in his response to my lengthy and detailed letter is the Mazars review. Wow. All the other stuff, like the upset and distress caused to our kids by the actions of staff during the inquest (and the content raised during that two weeks) just dismissed.  The focus, as ever, on the reputation stuff. 

It is worth putting on record that the Trust accepts the recommendations contained within the report. We fully accept that the quality of processes for investigating and reporting a patient death required improvement.

The hole digging just gets deeper and deeper. Putting on record? Eh? The Mazars review clearly details the extent of failings. The pre-publication challenges were dismissed. Sloven cocked up. No one (well outside of Monitor/CQC/Dept of Health) is asking if Sloven ‘accept’ the findings. This repeated positioning can only demonstrate how deeply dysfunctional the organisation of the ‘NHS’ is. 

As the report observes there is a lack of clarity across the health and social care system regarding which agency should investigate deaths of patients in the community where they are being seen by a number of different health and social care organisations and we are keen to see clearer protocols put in place.

And bam. Straight back into their already familiar refrain; ‘We ain’t the only ones who allow people to die early and cover up their deaths…’ A truly rancid position. Underlining how this bunch learn nothing. How anyone responsible for such scandalous failings can turn round and say ‘Well, other trusts are just as bad’ makes me weep. For so many reasons. 

Such a morally, ethically and professionally impoverished argument. And for this, if nothing else, the Board and CEO should stand down. 

[One question I think about is what can Sloven/OCC do now?  Have we, as a family/campaign, been kicked into a space where nothing they say or do will wash? And if, yes, what does that mean? Typically, from what I can see, families are sooner or later presented as irrational and unworthy of engagement. Shoulder shrugging professionals demonstrate mild bafflement, back away and appeal to establishment cronies for pity/solidarity about being in a deadlock situation with such ‘problem’ people.

This week I was choked to receive a thoughtful response from a Sloven Governor. My response was to immediately flag it up on these pages and welcome it. [Sadly, she turned out to be one of two governors who beetled out of the meeting on Tuesday straight after recording was agreed… but I’m just about holding onto the genuine sentiment expressed in her email.] I spoke to another governor after the meeting. He seemed to get it. He was human, didn’t talk shite and we’ll probably meet him before their next meeting.

The point I’m trying to make here is that families don’t want to battle. And they don’t tend to choose to battle. They are forced to. The rage comes from the need to battle and what this need says about their relative who has been harmed. This rage is deepened too often, by careless, fake, ill informed, offensive and meaningless responses…]

We are working on a range of improvements to the way that our Trust reports and investigates deaths and these are being discussed with the Trust’s key regulators and commissioners. Although much of the work has started the Board will be formally approving this plan at the extraordinary meeting on Monday 11th January.

Yep. Of course. White noise. What relevance is this to the issues I raised in my letter? This again is purely reputational repair shite. 

The report identified and the Trust acknowledges that engagement with families and carers has not been to a good enough standard and this is an area that will be receiving particular attention going forward. I and the Board have a genuine desire to ensure that this Trust continually improves.

The Mazars report isn’t the first time non engagement with families has been identified in Sloven dealings. Here is an example from two years ago. I can remember when Rich Watts wrote this post. Before any sniff of the Mazars review existed. In response to the publication of Verita 1. When we naively (so blooming naively) thought that learning from LB’s death would shake up Sloven’s learning disability provision. To make out this is a newly identified issue is deeply offensive. Typical though of the Sloven way which is all about erasure. They try to erase every example of wrong doing by rigidly fixing on the future. It’s a form of bullying really. Dressed up as a ‘learning journey’.

I would be more than happy to meet with you and others to discuss what other improvements could be made so that we can ensure that lessons are properly learnt from Connor’s death and your experience of Southern Health NHS Foundation Trust.

The meeting ship has well and truly sailed, Mr Board Chair. In typical Sloven shitilla fashion. You have missed and/or stamped on every opportunity to do anything differently since LB’s death. And this non letter is further evidence of this. 

Step down. Move on. And allow genuine leadership to take over. [And please don’t attempt to fawn over us at the meeting on Monday.]

Yours sincerely

Explaining #JusticeforLB to a child

IMG_0112-2Well LB was a bit older than you. He was very funny, loving and loved buses and Eddie Stobart lorries. He got upset and a bit low when he was 18 and ended up in hospital. It was a special sort of hospital. It cost more money each week for LB to stay in that hospital than most people earn in a month. It was run by a bit of the NHS called Sloven. The NHS is supposed to look after everyone in this country when they are unwell.

It turned out that Sloven didn’t really care about patients like LB. Or care about some of their staff.  Staff became fed up and some became pretty rubbish at their jobs because of this. They stopped looking after patients properly. LB had a thing called epilepsy which meant he could suddenly pass out. Staff knew this but the doctor in charge told them it wasn’t a problem.

One day LB was in the bath alone (which he shouldn’t have been) and passed out. He went under the water and died. We felt our world had ended. Sloven pretended LB would have died anyway. They said he died of natural causes. But people don’t usually die in the bath (or when they are 18).  Instead of being able to feel sad and think about our beautiful boy we had to fight to get Sloven to admit LB died because they didn’t look after him properly.

Sloven refused to do this and the people, like NHS England or Monitor, who were supposed to make sure Sloven did the right thing didn’t. Nobody who should have sorted this out, did anything. Usually when you work you have a boss who makes sure you do your job properly. And your boss has a boss. It turns out, in the NHS, the bosses of bits of it can do whatever they want. The Sloven boss, called Katrina Percy, and her senior team just carried on behaving badly.

We were worried some other people might have died because they weren’t cared for properly like LB. The boss of NHS England agreed to pay for a review into other deaths that happened in Sloven’s care.

Meanwhile, a lot of other people, all sorts of people, joined in the fight to try and get Sloven to take responsibility for LB’s death. They did all sorts of brilliant stuff. Sports stuff, music stuff, they made films, animations, held cake sales, did embroidery, gardening, drew pictures of buses, flew flags, put LB’s name on buses and trucks and all sorts. Lots of people began to know who LB is. There was lots of fun, love and happiness about LB and people like him.

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The trouble is, all this fab stuff didn’t stop Sloven behaving badly. They lied to us (and others) and tried to stop us finding out what happened to LB. They spent more money than some people earn in a lifetime on lawyers to do this. Money paid for from people’s taxes. Luckily, some brilliant human rights lawyers and barristers helped us. The inquiry into LB’s death, run by someone called a coroner, found that LB died because he wasn’t looked after properly. He should still be alive.

The report into the other deaths also found that Sloven didn’t care about lots of people like LB. When they died suddenly Sloven said they died of natural causes and didn’t try to find out why they’d died. Sloven were furious about this report. They said it was rubbish and tried to stop people reading it. Then they argued that other bits of the NHS were just the same. Allowing certain people to die early and then say it was natural causes.

We think Sloven don’t really think that LB and people like him are proper people. That’s why they didn’t do anything when they died early. Like a lot of things, they’ve got this completely wrong. We just need to work out what to do about it. Because LB’s death has shown us just how badly some people are treated in this country. And how those people whose job it is to actually do something about this, don’t really care either.

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2016. Starting as we mean to go on.

I don’t know. I don’t know if it was Chunky Stan’s death this week which was so blinking sad but immensely peaceful. Or the start of a new year. But the Justice shed is cranking up the volume. Enough is enough.

First. A letter to the Southern Health NHS Foundation Trust Council of Governors:gov 1

gov 2

gov 3

gov 4gov 5

A bunch of pests… and humanity

Chatting with Rosie earlier. She reflected on how, after 2.5 years of (relentless) campaigning, things had really started happening over the last two or three weeks. Various people also sent emails/messages to the Justice shed today, including Andy who wrote…

What a bloody brilliant thing to see front page of The Guardian. So just to reflect – in the space of about 10 days you made front page of The Guardian and The Mirror, loads of lead stories on all the big BBC hitters (and the ITV ones), triggered an urgent parliamentary debate and, most importantly, brought together 337 hand-crafted colourful, brilliant gingerbread men to remind everyone that this is lives we’re talking about, not statistics.
Not too bad for a bunch of pests eh?

guardian front page

Yep. It is bloody brilliant. And we have been relentless. It has been a relentless campaign. Luckily dotted with laughter, spectacular contributions, solidarity, magic and more. At the same time, instead of (hideously, over complicated, inefficient and costly layers of) quality assurance/regulatory processes uncovering this scandal, it took ordinary people to just say ‘Eh. There’s a strong whiff of something wrong here. It needs investigation.’

It’s obscene that  we’ve had to fight so hard to get this far. It ain’t our job to do this. Far from it. We should never have had to have spent the countless (countless) hours we have working to get some sort of accountability and justice. None of us. I can’t imagine what the collective salary is of staff in Sloven (and other Trusts), NHS England, the CQC, Monitor and the Department of Health who should have spotted that people were dying way too early, with no investigation into the cause of their deaths. [Howl].

Why didn’t they? The findings of the Confidential Inquiry into the Premature Deaths of Learning Disabled People (CIPOLD) was a pretty big red flag in 2013. The government decided to ignore the key CIPOLD recommendation and didn’t set up a national body to examine these deaths. A cracking decision. Leading to the eggy faces we’ve seen in the last week or so. With plenty more eggs lined up. 

Mmm. This was after the public outcry about Winterbourne View and that embarrassingly expensive and ultimately pointless work programme that unfolded, painfully across a few years and then disappeared digitally after the election this year. Ouch. So many organisations/charities signing up to the ‘glory’ back in the day. And little or no public reflection on this collective failure… Astonishing. Meanwhile, people continue to live non lives (or worse) in these hell hole units.

Here in the J-shed we’re pretty battle weary, scarred and totally fucked off by the combination of a lack of integrity and guts, arrogance, dismissal, closing of ranks and suffocating overriding superiority that seems to circulate around the senior levels of the various public sector organisations and government*. The battle to publish the Mazars review just one example of this. Detailed at length on these pages.

For any of these salaried staff, particular those at senior levels, [excluding Katrina Percy and the Sloven Board who clearly ain’t human] there is no mystery here. As Tommy said in The Tale of Laughing Boy, it’s not rocket science. There’s a lack of understanding and recognition that people are just people. And that certain people shouldn’t die (conveniently?) years before other people. Stripped of humanity, dignity, love, respect and value. In both life and death.

The answer? I dunno. A good starting point may be to get over yourselves. Go and hang out with people who ain’t the same as you, your family and your mates. And start to recognise colour, diversity and difference.

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*There are clearly some brilliant people in these roles. Just many more who ain’t.

 

 

Mazars, the pop up display and lives

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For the last few months, people have been sending in gingerbread figures. We wanted to find some way of representing the learning disabled people who died in Sloven’s non care [howl], uncovered by the Mazars review, visually. George hit on the gingerbread idea and we were off. Envelopes started stacking up in the My Life My Choice office.

Over the past few weeks, while we’ve been waiting (and waiting) for publication of the report, gingerbread fairies have been working behind the scenes mounting these (337*) colourful, vibrant and quirky figures on large boards. A lot of velcro and eventually a staple gun.

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We heard this week that a meeting was being held at Jubilee House today with attendees from Sloven [who were subsequently uninvited], Oxfordshire County Council and NHS England (NHSE), among others. Sounded just the place for a pop up display of the Justice gingerbreads. We would invite the meeting attendees to come out and view them.

Local press pitched up. Along with a security guard who tried to get shot of us. Private space and all. We stayed. He hovered taking phone shots of us. An NHSE comms woman appeared, shrugging her shoulders nervously and went between the meeting and the display, several times. The My Life My Choice minibus appeared with a gang of champs, solidly supportive as always.

L1017160It was a striking display of brilliance really. But weirdly, pretty much every employee who left Jubilee House during that hour, walked the long way round to avoid it. The couple of people who took the path we were lined up along studiously stared at the floor. Fran, love her, started to invite people to view the display ‘They won’t jump out at you..’, she said to a couple of retreating backs.

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L1017079-2Eventually, a few meeting attendees started to appear. Jan Fowler, from NHSE, and a commissioner came first, chatted with various people and with BBC Oxford. Then a few more attendees came and viewed the figures, took some photos and chatted. It was an odd experience really. Such intensity. Of horror and inhumanity, of colour and individuality, and of (some) avoidance. The meeting chair said ‘I will remember this’ as he left.

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As we were about to leave, and the gingers were safely packed in the car, one employee who’d avoided looking on his way out, came back and asked what it was all about.

Just lives, really. And chilling inhumanity.

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*There were so many more deaths than this, but here we focus on these.

Sloven briefings and bleatings

Blimey. Sloven don’t half love a briefing. Their briefing to NHS England about the Mazars review found its way to us earlier this week. They commissioned an independent review into (specific bits of) the Mazars review of their own practices of responding to particular deaths. Paid for by public money.

To distract myself from debilitating incredulity, I googled ‘what (the fuck) is a ‘briefing?’ A briefing basically identifies a problem and offers a rationale for a solution. Not rocket science.

Sloven’s ‘briefings’ are pretty disturbing and flaky. The now infamous Background briefing on mother’s blog circulated the day after LB died. [Howl]. Still packing a punch spiked with scotch bonnet chillies and rusty nails over two years on. [He died… He drowned in a bath. In ‘specialist’ NHS provision…?] The problem: a publicly documented account of love, health and social care failures and worse. The solution? The briefing ‘may help in shaping a tailored media response to the incident’.

An erasure of LB as a person. And so much more.

Then there was the David Nicholson/Monitor briefing (March 2014). The problem: that bloody mother (again), pesky #JusticeforLB campaigners and social media high jinks causing reputational damage. The solution? Discredit, bleat and block.

This latest briefing. The problem: an independent [yep, independent] review uncovering scandalous findings and clear evidence of eugenic/dehumanising practices. The solution? Discredit the review.

Chris Hatton has written about the Sloven attempts to discredit the Mazars review here. This morning we flagged up that the helpline on Sloven’s website for families who may be affected by the review no longer existed. As ever, their energies and attention focused solely on their reputation. Families? Forget it.

A clunky and late revision of their statement eventually appeared later today:

Untitled 3NHS England continue to delay publication. Relentlessly. It’s looking likely it will be pushed beyond  the closing of the House of Commons on Thursday as ‘it needs to be clear about its messages as possible’. Wow. Quite some jostling for the winner of the scumfuckery public sector bastard of the year award going on here.

Here’s the latest briefing in full.

briefing 1
briefing 2
briefing 3

briefing page 4
briefing 4
briefing 6

 

 

 

Doubters, deniers and belieSHers

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Helter skelter times. With the emergence of the key findings of the Mazars review via the BBC this week. Having banged on relentlessly for over two years now, we feel some relief that a wider set of people may be gaining insight into the improbably inappropriate, incompetent and deeply arrogant actions of Katrina Percy (KP), the CEO of Southern Health NHS Foundation Trust (Sloven), and her merry (board of) wo/men.

Sloven have demonstrated tooth enamel removing disregard for the content of one of the most scandalous reviews to be (almost) published this century. A review that has generated what Graham Shaw has rightly described as ‘a deeply-troubling episode in the history of the NHS’.

As we followed the painfully slow unravelling of the top layers of Sloven ‘leadership’ in the last few days, including a late night statement from KP that made me wonder if some cheeky chapster had hacked the ITV website, doubters and deniers started to appear on twitter. [And in person, as Mark Neary experienced.]

For some reason the Health Service Journal (HSJ) led a paternalistic backlash. Cautioning against anyone paying too much attention to this half baked and strongly challenged review. This may be because the HSJ, like us, had been leaked a copy of the independent review Sloven had commissioned to examine the methodology of the (independent) review into their practices.

[At this stage, you may need a moment or two to;

  1. Scratch your head with incredulity
  2. Laugh hysterically
  3. Get a cold beer from the fridge to cool down your forehead
  4. Weep at the bottomless pit of money Sloven can seemingly throw at wriggling out of ‘tricky situations’
  5. Perform some other action to make this completely inappropriate action somehow digestible…]

Sloven commissioned Professor Mohammed* to do a review focusing largely on the ‘outlier’ question.  He strongly critiqued the Mazars ‘at best unsatisfactory and, at worst, incompetent’ analysis. Cripes. NHS England had already commissioned an academic to review the full methodology. Their review (of the review) asked for a fuller account of the methods used but otherwise gave it a clean bill of health.

The second group, the belieSHers, without knowing the content of Prof M’s review, believe so strongly in Sloven’s credibility (as an NHS Foundation Trust?) that the ITV statement was all they needed. Sloven said the findings were wrong. There. Sorted. And stop this sensationalist reporting without foundation. Tsk.

Overlapping this group were the disbelievers, including Roy Lilley who drew on his own ‘intelligence’ to suggest strongly that only sections of the half finished review had been leaked by a disaffected Sloven employee. Incredulity was also expressed at the commissioning of Mazars by NHS England. An audit company, FFS. I mean why not commission an independent outfit who understand the healthcare world. Like, er, Verita, I assume… The disbelievers were distinct from the belieSHers as they snarled at us to publish the review. They at least seemed prepared to accept that a robust review existed.

Finally, there were the conspiracists. Jezza Hunt had orchestrated the leaking of this review as part of his wider privatisation plot. How could there possibly be so much news coverage and an Urgent Question in the Commons on such an issue, in such a short space of time? Wow. Like Sloven, a complete disregard for the content of the report.

These positions were contradictory, sometimes extreme and ill informed. For once we were able to step back and (almost) park the swearing, rage and frustration we’ve experienced and articulated for over two years since LB died. [Howl]. And calmly reply, over and over and over again;

The review is robust. It is complete. We have a final copy. We don’t know why it still isn’t published.
 

The trouble is, the responses above (including Sloven’s position) make visible the typical excusing and acceptance, even expectation, of shortened lives for some people. They point to accepted processes and practices of a publicly funded health and social care system that consistently discriminates against and excludes certain ‘types’ of people. And when these people die ‘unexpectedly’, a discounting of their deaths.

That there were three days of headline news and sessions in both the House of Commons and Lords on the back of the headline findings of a leaked report, suggests that that the findings of this review are hugely important to the wider public. Outside of the doubters, deniers and belieSHers who, well what do you know… are all firmly embedded within the healthcare world.

The review will be published this week.

*Of Mid Staffs fameimage

 

Slumber, absurdities and a tumbleweed collective

The independent Mazars death review, just by way of a speedy update, was commissioned by NHS England to examine all deaths in Sloven’s learning disability/mental health provision from 2011-2015. The review is in apparently indefinite quarantine by NHS England under challenge by pretty much everyone and their dog.

[Well apart from Chunky Stan. Who, asleep on my feet is pouring his energies into extreme comfort using an almost winning combo of warm fur, being Chunky Stan and a snooze mechanism involving occasional deep/contented sighing…]

It turns out that Sloven made nearly 300 challenges/criticisms to the original draft of the Mazars (independent) review. Wow. 300 challenges? Unprecedented focus/scrutiny by the Sloves who, a week or so after LB’s death, publicly announced he died of natural causes and circulated a briefing about the risk my blog posed to their reputation

Sloven

Sloven Board minutes. 23.7.13

[Someone recently said that Sloven made a big error in their early responses to LB’s death. Sort of suggesting the pesky mess our meddling campaign has uncovered could have been left untouched if Sloven had behaved better. I’m not sure how to begin to make sense of this so I’ll stick to what we know for now.]

Publication of the Mazars death review was delayed on the basis of Sloven’s challenge and an academic review into the independent review methodology was commissioned by NHS England. [I know]. NHS England also got an internal dataset expert to review the, er, data. [I know]. Neither reviews of the review have turned up anything changing the findings/recommendations of the original report beyond the odd tweaking.

We found out this morning that Sloven have commissioned their own review into the review. Hahahahahahaha. No. Stoppit. You what?…. Taking marking your own homework in the brave new NHS (fake) world of transparency and candour to unprecedented lows. Really??

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This postcard on our fridge repeatedly catches my eye as I reach for wine milk. We’re in a space of absurdities. A space unrecognised by Sloven, Oxfordshire County Council, NHS England, the Care Quality Commission, Monitor or the Department of Health. Evidenced by silence and in(non)action. A tumbleweed collective.

Erving Goffman talked about how much work is involved in awakening people to their true interests because their sleep is very deep.

Two and a half years since LB’s death and we clearly ain’t disturbing the slumber of anyone with any power to do anything. We can continue to try to ground the absurd though. Ground it in the human.

Here’s LB. Keeping watch on a Scottish holiday. No hint there may be trouble ahead. And why would/should he?
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Those husky dogs and Devon days

“Do you remember those husky dogs we saw running wild a while back, Rich? Loads of them… Where was that?”
“That holiday in Devon. Remember we were walking back from a pub lunch along some trail. The kids went back on the other track…”

This was on Sunday morning. In bed. I lay there in the half dark feeling like my breath had been stolen. Wrenched from me by being unexpectedly pitched into a memory I hadn’t meant to seek out. That long ago? Really?

I remembered the rain, the fresh air, the fun, the boredom, the lack of sun. I remembered us all just being. Chittering, bickering, bantering and loving. Hanging out. Chunky Stan took to swimming in the sea having been resolutely opposed to getting wet until then. I told Rosie off for using my umbrella to collect sea water for a sandcastle she built with Tom in between showers. We had fish and chips in Appledore and chuckled a few years later when we watched a documentary about The Jacksons house hunting there. And we squeezed into the little living room to watch the Olympics when it was simply too wet to go out.

Lying there I felt intense grief. I call it grief but that’s just a label. A word. I felt an intense agony, a feeling impossible to describe. There are no words. I’d forgotten about that pub lunch. About the walk back when we watched the kids running along, in the distance. How they made sure LB kept up. And the huskies that randomly overtook us. Making a bolt for freedom.

I missed LB so much I wondered how I would ever get up again.

I think about him constantly, in a sort of ‘careful’ or maybe self managed way. I have a whole set of (almost) distractions and strategies to make living bearable. This was unguarded thinking. Laying bare the reality of living after the death of a cub. One who died in the careless and relentlessly brutal hands of the state.

Being thrown momentarily back into that space made me realise how I’ve got used to living with pain over the last two and a half years. A pain made so much worse by the actions of Sloven, Oxfordshire County Council and now NHS England. The health, social care, commissioning triumvirate. Taking it in turns to kick the boot in. There’s still no publication date for the Mazars death review. Delay, after delay, after delay. Any talk of candour or transparency, of listening to families, of mortality review functions, of a shiny new independent (NHS) investigative body just makes me want to weep. And rage.

‘Stop talking shit,’ my brain snarls. ‘Just stop making it so much worse.’

I had an email from the police this afternoon. An email that was thoughtful, straightforward and kind. No messing, no prevarication. Just human.

Like those Devon days.

old pics